I Dreamt of Being a Princess.

As a young girl I dreamt of being a Princess. I would dress up in my

mother’s platform shoes. They were always under her dresser- dark

brown with black bottoms. They were so big for my little feet, but I

just knew I looked fantastic in them! I wore a play necklace and a

bracelet on my little wrist. Since Mom wasn't a princess or a queen,

she didn't have a random crown lying around, so I would wear a hat

that she had in the closet; I remember it looking like a bridesmaid’s

hat.

I knew I wasn’t a real Princess, and at 8 or 9 years old, I knew it was

dress-up and make-believe, but I also knew it was who I desired to

be when I grew up. That girl knew she looked good, that girl was

confident, and that girl had everything she wanted in life.

As I grew, playing dress-up stopped, and real life was all that was

left. The shoes and hat were no longer in style and were thrown

away, and play jewelry was for babies.

The sad thing is, when that 8-year-old put away the shoes, hat and

jewelry for the last time, she also put away the life she dreamed of.

She would not feel that way again for 43 years.

Playtime was over, and my imagination had been smothered.

The girl I pretended to be, that confident, smart, good-looking girl

who had it all, faded so far into a lost memory that she was all but

forgotten.

Life became never-ending years of feeling like I was a worthless

piece of shit, a stupid human being, ugly, unlovable, unable to make

good decisions, a horrible mother, and I never felt like I fit in because

I was so different than everyone else. My thoughts and ideas were

stupid, I wasn't fit to be on this earth, I wasn't enough because I

couldn't be the person everyone else wanted me to be.

I avoided mirrors-not just because I was gaining weight; I also

avoided them when I was thin- I just hated who I saw in the mirror. I

started making up excuses about why I couldn't attend functions; I

no longer met up with, and lost old friends, and I never tried to make

new ones. I worked a job that I hated, stayed in a marriage that I

knew would never make it. I was so angry at myself for where I had

ended up. I hated myself and my life so bad I felt like my only option

was to end it all.

I betrayed 8-year-old me. I had abandoned her and the dreams she

had.

Forward to the year 2020. Rumblings of a little something called

Covid were reaching people around the world, and on January

28,2020, my world changed forever-and not because of COVID.

Something inside of me had gathered up the courage to leave my

marriage and my job, which was at the business my husband and I

had built together. The next five years would prove to be the most

gut-wrenching, emotional, freeing, peaceful five years of my life.

Lifelong low self-esteem, horrible self-body image, rock-bottom

confidence in myself, no plans for the future and isolation due to

COVID restrictions. The life dreams are made of, right? To most it

would sound like a nightmare. Well, in fact, isolation left me with no

choice but to think and plan. I also have 6 of the most supportive,

accepting, sometimes sarcastic, best human beings that I could ask

for in my life. I made these people, and they are my favourite

humans in the world. It was these humans who helped me see, for

the first time in my life, that I wasn’t the horrible mother that I

thought I was, that I wasn’t useless and most important, that I was

lovable, and my children have shown me more love than I ever

thought I deserved. From that moment on, I worked at healing

myself. I only allowed people into my life who helped me grow and I

removed the people who were only there to watch me fail.

Low self-esteem allows you to doubt everything good about

yourself. It can make you feel like anything you do is never good

enough, so you give up even trying anymore. Your confidence

bottoms out, so now that you feel like you are not capable of doing

anything worthwhile on your own, you allow people into your life

who are only there to use and control you. When someone does

compliment you, instead of saying thank you and appreciating it,

you don’t believe them and say something back about yourself that

is negative.

Low self-esteem affects areas of your whole life.

I have gained the life I always knew was mine. It took hope, work,

determination and an open mind. I will continue to grow, as I feel we

should always be learning and working toward our best self. There

are many options you can use to gain the self-esteem, confidence

and self-respect that you deserve for yourself. There is always,

ALWAYS hope. Please reach out to somebody.

info@blackunicorn.ca

Many people use the expression: “I need to find myself again’, and it

is a great source to use!!, but since I can now be the person I was

meant to be, and I use my own thoughts, I use a slightly different

expression.

“I wasn’t lost; I knew exactly where I was. I was there with my 8-

year-old self, right where I left her.”

She was waiting patiently for me to come back for her. We had a lot

to talk about and we shed a lot of tears. She handed me the crown

that I deserved and was always rightfully mine and now I wear it

every day. She never gave up on me.